New Model Army
Title New Model Army
Pages 3
Rating Safe-ish
Publication date January 25, 2015
Mighty Deeds

New Model Army, is a three-page Oglaf story, with the third page being a single panel poster.

Synopsis Edit


An orc Captain addresses her troops, noting that (as is true with most enemy armies in fantasy works) armour is ineffective against even the flimsiest of weaponry. She then reveals her plan to replace the troops' heavy armour with thong bikinis. When one orc objects, due to his own ugliness ("My butt looks like a box of apples in a sack."), the captain tells him they have the finest cosmetic sorcerers in the known world to make the troops look beautiful.

Inspired, the orcs go forth under their new motto, "Skin to Win".

Trivia Edit

The New Model Army was an army raised by Oliver Cromwell and other parliamentarians in the English Civil War. Unlike previous armies the soldiers were paid professionals rather than local militia, thus it was a new paradigm for army structure.

A print of this story's "Skin to Win" poster is available on the Oglaf store.

Alt-text Edit

Page 1

"also, we could have used our sandworms better"
"Painting on loan from the orcish war museum, which is a pile of skulls and a painting"

Page 2

"the military use of ass is now widespread"
"Now every assault is a beach assault"

Page 3 Poster

"If you defeat the Russians with no pants, you still have to face the Russian winter."
"only a change in standards of beauty can defeat us"

Link Edit

New Model Army